Hit wife twice a week, and did not let go of three months of pregnancy!A confession of a "family violent man": The wife said I am a devil

If women encounter domestic violence, what suggestions do you have?

"Hit 110 alarm." Gu Wei blurted out. After two seconds of silence, he lowered his head and fiddled with the script in his hand with his hands.It’s useless. "

Gu Wei is a violence.According to statistics from the National Women’s Federation, 30%of married women have encountered domestic violence.Gu Wei’s wife is one of them.

Picture source: Visual China

In May, Gu Wei will go to Hangzhou to participate in a drama called "Men’s Donald".It was first ordered by the director of the Institute of Sexual and Gender of Beijing Forestry University and the founder of the China White Ribbon Volunteer Network.

The purpose of the white ribbon is "promoting male participation to terminate gender violence."Gu Wei performed the scene of "domestic violence" in the drama. As a perpetrator, he moved his story to the stage.

Gu Wei’s drama "Men’s Donald" will be performed in Hangzhou Public Welfare in May

Kick to the pregnant wife

The 35 -year -old Gu Wei medium figure is solid.Although he has faced the media many times, his personality is still slightly dull, his voice is low, and he is used to low his head, or looks elsewhere.He was holding a thick stack of paper in his hand, the script of "Men’s Donald", and was opening in the tenth act of "domestic violence".

The ex -wife who divorced 4 years before this year told Gu Wei that someone around him advised her to remarry.This is the first time that his ex -wife mentioned "remarriage" in front of him, although it was only vague.

But Gu Wei dare not think about it, "because I feel that I am not good enough."

Gu Wei is a native of Jiangsu. After graduating from high school, he took his own college and engaged in environmental protection projects.He and his ex -wife are high school classmates. The two married in 2011 and divorced in 2015.

The wife was taken away by Gu Wei fists and fists.

He first started in September 2011.At that time, the ex -wife proposed that Gu Wei gave her a salary card to keep her. He was unwilling, and his wife continued to say.

During that time, Gu Wei was very stressful at work and was extremely irritable.

"I want her to shut up." He raised his legs and kicked his wife’s leg.His ex -wife’s calf became bruised, and people were stunned.At that moment, Gu Wei was very satisfied because the other party closed his mouth immediately.He thinks this method is simple and effective.

At that time, Gu Wei’s wife had been pregnant for 3 months.

For Gu Wei, this time did not bring any consequences: the wife endured silently, and even her family did not come to him.

"This is like a signal that makes me feel that violence can be used. Anyway, there is nothing big." Gu Wei will bring it quickly when recalling that year.What happened at that time.

Talking about the past, Gu Wei feels afraid of

Strong desire to control

With the first time, it became much easier to do.After the son was born, the friction increased. When frequent, Gu Wei would hit his wife twice in a week.The cause is all trivial life: his wife wants to return to her mother’s house, he disagree; the son crying in the middle of the night, his wife asked him to get up …

"I just want her to obey. The common psychology of our people is that the desire to control is strong." Gu Wei used "us like people" to call the perpetrator. "For example, I let her wear that pink scarf, she does not wear it, she does not wear it, she does not wear it.I am very unhappy; when she calls her, no one has been answered, so I am annoyed. In fact, I want to master her whereabouts and want to know her, but I wo n’t tell her about my business. "

Gu Wei describes domestic violence: This is a gradual process.When the quarrel, first loudly, this is the purpose of suppressing the other person from the sound to achieve the purpose of control; then it is to fall, cups, dishes, and mobile phones.Raise the wall is actually intimidating the other party.But this kind of self -harm is limited and will master the strength.

Gu Wei raised his hand to demonstrate on the wall: the fist waved quickly, fell gently, and made a loud noise.

"In the end, it was a hand. It started to twist, but the women’s strength was small, so I hit her, mainly to beat her." Gu Wei described his conflict with his wife.

Picture source: Visual China

The number of hands -on times, the mother -in -law knows.

"She thinks we are too idle, meaning that there is no shortage of food, no shortage of wearing, not good at life, and still making trouble." This kind of light description even condoned Gu Wei, "She should know my family violence earlier, but she has always persuaded her daughter, but she has always persuaded her daughter.I also let my mother reflect on whether she did wrong in those places and provoked me. She concealed my old man for a long time. "

The wife was beaten into a brain shock

Gu Wei once promised his mother -in -law: no longer hit her daughter.It also explains that the reason for his emotional out of control is that the work pressure is too great.She also pushed her responsibility on her wife and said she was looking for faults.

Gu Wei was a small leader in the unit at that time. There were many things, and the relationship with the leadership was not harmonious.The negative energy burst at work, so he took these all of them to vent.

After making a commitment for a month, Gu Wei hit his wife again.

"People like us, promise, are useless to write a guarantee. Calling the male family members of the mother’s family is useless. Because the people who see it are so strong, we will weigh and look down on the mistake.thing."

After a start, Gu Wei also guaranteed the old man, and solemnly held his hands with Laozhang. "It was like a consensus in a man."

But less than half a month, the so -called consensus was broken.

Two times, he even hit his wife in front of his son.The son who couldn’t speak was scared to cry.

The worst one was in 2014.

On that day, Gu Wei and his wife attended the wedding of relatives together.In the evening, the couple lived in the mother -in -law’s house.

"Before going to bed, we were fine, and we talked about the sky and peace of mind." Gu Wei said.

In the middle of the night, his wife suddenly kicked him with his legs.

"I suddenly got angry at the time. I felt that she was intentional. I thought she looked down on the day of the day." Gu Wei said this matter now, and he felt that his wife might only be an unconscious movement in his sleep at the time.But at the time, he started.

The strength was very strong, Gu Wei beat his wife’s head with his right hand.Two years later, he squeezed the part of the force with his hands and would still hurt.But I think how much violence the wife of Gu Wei was at that time."She shouted in her throat at the time, not the voice of a normal person. Although she did not test the injuries later, she must have mild brain shock."

Gu Wei recalled that he felt unreasonable at first

Apology through the field

After that, his wife moved back to his own house.

The separation did not have any impact on Gu Wei."I think she will come back in a few days."

Two weeks later, Gu Wei went to apologize to his wife. In his opinion, this was just a passing field.

"I went to apologize to her three times, and I went to my own parents and took my uncle. But I told you the truth, no one was sincere."

Gu Wei’s attitude is very determined. He does not recognize Gu Wei’s behavior and supports any decision of his daughter.

"My wife said that I was a devil. It was normal for a while, and it was abnormal for a while, like a bomb. When she said, I was very irritable because I didn’t want to listen to this. My emotions became very excited immediately, my fists held tightlyYes. But because someone is there, it doesn’t matter. "

When I apologized for the last time, my wife repeated similar words. At that time, only two people were at home. "I immediately threw the keys and USB flash drives in my pocket."

At that time, Gu Wei’s mentality was that he didn’t feel wrong, "I want to let her go home first. And I have confessed my mistakes, what do you want."

Picture source: Visual China

Do not divorce, it is two extremes

In 2014, Gu Wei received a divorce ticket from the court.He started to panic because he never thought that his wife would divorce."I can’t control this matter, and it feels bad. In addition, the idea of straight male cancer feels that men have a career and family to succeed. Divorce means that I have failed in my family. I feel embarrassed and will be discussed."

In this complicated emotion, Gu Wei asked for help from the "white ribbon".This process did he realize how much harm he had to his wife.

"I have always regarded her as an attachment; when the unit is a small leader, I treat her high; after the child is born, I basically ignore it. She has to bring a child for housework.Sir, but at home, he treats her violently. "

After a year with his wife’s divorce lawsuit, Gu Wei finally agreed to divorce."It is right to leave me. If I have been developing like this, either I killed her, or she killed me because she couldn’t stand the violence one day."

Without his control, his wife began to strive to get out of the shadow of domestic violence.

I felt panicked for the first time

And Gu Wei also faced another question waiting for him to solve: Why did I become a perpetrator?Can I change it?

He started to correct himself, and has persisted for more than 4 years so far. "This process is difficult."

"How much do you think you have changed?"

"Outsiders, half of it." Gu Wei hesitated and added another sentence, "If you look at it in his heart, it may be three or 40 %."

"80 % of male perpetrators, it is difficult to realize that they are problems." Ge Chunyan, a psychological hotline consultant of the "white ribbon" volunteer network project in China, said, "and" and most of the violence violence didThe formation is related to family education and growth environment. "

In 2014, Gu Wei received a divorce lawsuit of the court.He was panicked for the first time."I didn’t expect she to divorce."

China’s "White Ribbon" volunteer network project promotes men to participate in the termination of gender violence and helps violence.Then I thought of asking for help, because he felt out of control. "

Picture source: Visual China

Gu Wei was distressed when he proposed the day after divorce.At the beginning, he was worried that because of his domestic violence, he could not get his son’s custody, so he continued to search for information related to domestic violence.

In this process, Gu Wei had no intention of seeing the documentary "Chinese Anti -Family Storm Chronicle". He knew the white ribbon and read the book about domestic violence.

"At that time, I already regretted that I was wrong, but I didn’t know where the problem was. I wanted to ask professional people to help."

One night in the summer of 2014, Gu Wei dialed the white ribbon for help in the bedroom alone in the bedroom.

The hotline was Ge Chunyan.

"He cried, regretted his violence, and said that he couldn’t control himself." Ge Chunyan remembered that Gu Wei admitted that he had done wrong, "but he didn’t know enough about his violent behavior, and he felt that he did not blame him.He is always nagging and does not support his work. "

Gu Wei’s call lasted for nearly an hour.

"Most of the time he was talking. He recalled a lot and more self -exposure." Ge Chunyan guided Gu Wei on the phone to tell his native family and growth experience.

Restart past: Zeng moved his mother

The narrative of the nature of the life of life made Gu Wei impress Gu Wei."I think of the female classmates during elementary school, junior high school, and high school."

After these fragmented memories were awakened, Gu Wei first examined his firm family environment and growth process:

Gu Wei’s father did not beat people at home, but he would have language violence to him and his mother, and he was used to solving problems with force.

Gu Wei’s grandpa has a family atrocities on grandma;

Gu Wei’s uncle will do it at the uncle;

Gu Wei’s cousin is cold and violently, such as cold words, and obliquely when he talks …

"This makes me feel that it is not wrong to hit my wife. Men are like women. Also, you can use violence to solve the problem."

Gu Wei frankly said that when there was a dispute with a woman, she had the idea of "hitting her" more than once.

He was amazing for a long time, only to say the phrase "hit a meal", and he whispered."I don’t think I can say it, annoying. But if the other is a man, I won’t think so."

His wife was not the first family to be beaten.

In the year of graduating from high school, Gu Wei did not want to continue reading because of bad grades. His parents repeatedly persuaded him. He was annoyed and punched his mother’s face.

"Want to stop quarrel, this is the simplest method." This is a shameful past. During the narrative, Gu Wei bowed his head and looked at his pants. "This is exactly what I learned from other loved ones.solve conflicts."

The mother froze first, then covered her face and wept.

The parents’ handling of this incident was called many relatives to comment, and the matter ended with a slap in Gu Wei.

"My parents have always been like this, and I never talk to me alone. I always call outsiders to intervene."

Gu Wei, who was slapped, was not convinced, and did not think that the method of dealing with the problem with fists was wrong, and at most it should not be used on the mother.

Picture source: Visual China

Self -salvation: from changing jobs to psychological counseling

"I am not a natural violence, I just learn and imitate from the people around me. I gradually chose this method." This is a vague understanding of Gu Wei after calling the white ribbon hotline. "I think I should be able to correct correctionof."

The factors that promote a person’s self -changing are often complicated and delicate, and it is difficult to say for some reason.This is the same for Gu Wei.It may be that his wife’s divorce made him feel that things were out of control; it may be because of my son, "I don’t want him to learn me like I would learn other people in the future, and finally became me."; Maybe Ge Chunyan guidedHe feels that he is not saved without medicine …

In short, Gu Wei took this step tentatively.

In the first time, he frequently dialed the white ribbon hotline, once a week, each hour each time, which lasted for more than two months.

"He was fighting a divorce lawsuit with his ex -wife at that time. He hesitated to divorce. It was also confused and didn’t know what to do, because when he was impulsive, he couldn’t control herself." Ge Chunyan gave Gu Wei some simple suggestions, such as when he was excited., Leave immediately, get rid of that scene, "But this is actually difficult. On the issue of divorce, I said that standing at the victim’s position, I must recommend divorce, because your behavior has hurt her. And you don’t solve your own yourself.The problem, if you remarried in the future, will cause harm. Sometimes, the step back is moving forward. "

In 2015, after a year of divorce lawsuit, Gu Wei and his wife divorced, and he fought for his son’s custody.It was also this year, Fang Gang opened the first male Deban in the country, and Gu Wei signed up.

After that, Gu Wei carried out offline psychological counseling for more than half a year; went out to climb the mountain every week to take this as interest; participated in the public welfare activities of the Psychological Association on the weekend;

"I used to be a person who couldn’t communicate. If I was in a bad mood, I played games and playing mobile phones at home. I would never solve it. Psychological teacher said that there must be hobbies and go out." On March 2, Gu WeiA friend of the outdoor club hikes 11 kilometers and walked the ancient road of Huihang. The photos he took were white -wall Daiwa’s residential houses and clouds.

In 2016, Gu Wei made a decision: Applying for the exchange department.He turned out to be a small supervisor. After the position was adjusted, he no longer was in charge of work, and his annual salary was more than 10,000 yuan.

Gu Wei’s original position, work pressure, and unrealistic relationship with the leadership. He would not resolve it. He often brought the negative energy home and vented it on his ex -wife.This was also the biggest excuse for his family violence.

Gu Wei’s circle of friends is all anti -domestic violence content

Long correction, repeated again and again

In today’s position, Gu Wei is very satisfied. "The communication with the leaders of the direct is very smooth, and there are not so many job telephones. I could answer more than ten a day, and now there are two or three."

To some extent, this alleviated his emotions and reduced the straw that caused him to explode.

But this does not mean that Gu Wei has revised himself."The change of the perpetrator is a long and persistent process."

In the process of self -treatment, Gu Wei has experienced this repeated again and again.

When his son was two years old, he kept sleeping with Gu Wei’s parents at night. He felt that he would accompany his son and want to bring himself.

"My parents said, the child was afraid of me. This made me very uncomfortable." One night, Gu Wei forced his son to hold his son’s room.The corner of his mouth was broken, and bleeding came. "

Gu Wei realized that he was out of control and held his son over and over again.

"For the perpetrators, the biggest problem is to control emotions." Gu Wei experienced such a process when he was treated. "In the past, when my emotions broke out to 80%, I realized that at that time, the volume had increased, and the volume had increased, and the volume had increased.The heartbeat is accelerated, and the breathing is rapid. After treatment, it can be done when it is good. When it is about 30 %, it will be retracted quickly, but the sound is raised, but a word or two is said, and it will be reduced quickly. "

After the divorce, Gu Wei and his ex -wife still lived in the same community, and the two had half of the time.

"At the beginning, when the child was involved in the child, she looked at me with fear and dare not see it." Gradually, the ex -wife could say a word or two with him, and occasionally went to the house to send some daily necessities to her son.

However, Gu Wei and his ex -wife communicate more through WeChat, and the content is basically around the child.When he gets along with his ex -wife, the biggest change is that he will listen to each other.

"I used to say it was all before. For example, when I made a choice, I gave three solutions to let her choose one from it, other talks." Gu Wei laughed, as if mocking his former herself, "In the past,I believe that she is not good after divorce, but now, she has a lot of wonderful life. "

Gu Wei has the ability to think in another way: "She can come out of domestic violence, it is not easy, and a lot of money."

But even so, Gu Wei occasionally felt uncomfortable when communicating with his ex -wife WeChat.

For example, the ex -wife told him how to bring his son and not to give his son anything.

"I think, why do you teach me Gu Wei." Fortunately, this emotion flashed, "put it in the past, it will definitely erupt."

Picture source: Visual China

This road is still very long

Amendment and changes are not so easy.

In 2018, the number of people who called the white ribbon hotline for 300 people, Fang Gang said that about 20%of the male perpetrators accounted for about 20%.

Ge Chunyan, who has been a white ribbon hotline consultant for 6 years, is lower. So far, the male perpetrator she has received is about 10 for help, accounting for less than 5 %.There are very few that can be changed.

"When 90%of male perpetrators ask for help, they are because their wives want to divorce, or their girlfriends want to break up. They call to solve this problem, rather than feel that they have problems.Just do it. "

Ge Chunyan said that Gu Wei is a very few."To eliminate domestic violence, the most critical point is that the victim must resist. This is important."

A very few Gu Wei commented on himself half of the amendment, "From the perspective of the inner self -identity, only 30,000 %."

He is convinced that he will no longer hit people, and will no longer solve the problem with violence.This month, Gu Wei reposted two reports on the third anniversary of the "Anti -Family Law" in the circle of friends.

"But the real changes should not be just like this. We must have the sense of equality of gender products. You must learn to communicate, communicate with your children, communicate with my own family, and build a relationship link. I haven’t done these."

But Gu Wei felt that everything was too late.He is willing to face his heart and expose those unbearable, this is for self -redemption.

Now, the ex -wife is no longer scared when watching him; they will have exchanges, although they are only about children; before the Spring Festival, he first said an apology before the Spring Festival, for the past … for the past …

In his opinion, all this is a good sign.However, Gu Wei also prepared: This road is still very long.

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