Mom’s diary

Last summer, the 20 -year -old girl Doudou found her mother’s diary before marriage.

In the diary, my mother is a girl who will claim to be "Xiaofang" who will claim to be "Xiaofang", and will put a sticker in the diary.She is very lively, likes a bit of ritual in life, complaining about the physiological period, especially hates blind dates.A friend got married, and Xiaofang wrote in the diary, "Really terrible, there is another woman walking towards the grave."Swelling.She also wanted to be a soldier and said firmly, "I’m not a little girl in the country, I also have my own ideals and ambitions."

——This is like two people in the impression of Doudou.From the birth of Doudou, the mother who saw was a woman who had almost no social and busy at home, a good daughter -in -law, a good wife, taking care of everyone’s life, and felt that her husband was always right.This made Doudou feel that he must not become a person like a mother.

Doudou took her diary to find her mother and reminded her that she wanted to be a soldier. The mother was very puzzled. She seemed to be unable to remember it at all.

What happened to a girl who wanted to go to the larger world and finally returned to the family?What kind of power made her erase her herself?

Because of these diaries, Doudou and mother have a few deep talks, and have a new understanding of each other. Although some differences are still continuing: Xiaofang admits that the progress of Doudou’s thought, but she still hopes that her daughter can go to marriageThis road.And Doudou wants to tell his mother even more, aside from the imagination of "being taken care of", maybe we can live better.

Not long ago, the author of "Characters" saw Doudou and Mom, and after seeing the story of the diary, there were new progress: at this time, they and their sisters and three women lived in a village born from Doudou for one hour.In the county seat.The house is rented. The furniture is very simple. The cleaning is clean. The bed is full of plush toys that Dou Doudou had when he was a child. Sometimes, Doudou will drive his own old car and take his mother and sister to go.In this pair of mother and daughter’s respective life, the moment is a rare and relaxed time.

The times imprisoned some women, and the times also made women’s independence and self -improvement possible.

The following is the narration of Xiaofang and Doudou.

Text | Li Yuning

Edit | Huai Yang

Figure | (except for special labels) interviewees provided by the respondents


"On May 19, 2022, I saw my mother’s diary when she was young. She was really young at that time. Mom even thought like this, like me."

—— Doudou, QQ space talk

Last summer, when I packed things in the old house, I had no intention of turning out the diary of three mothers.These three books are full of sense of age. The cover is either landscape or a bouquet of flowers and some modern poems. The colorful inner pages of the yellowish color are also thin. You can see the handwriting on the back without having to face the light.Several of the diaries have opened lines, and they must be carefully turned over to avoid the complete scattered of the book.The pens used by my mother are also unique to that era. There is a bit of fragrance when I open it. Look carefully at each pens and pauses.

I have always knew that my mother had the habit of remembering diary when she was young, but she really saw these three yellowed line installation books, and she felt real about her diary.The time of these three diaries spans seven years, which just records the whole process of 1994 mother who began to make money independently.

I had a good relationship with my mother. After greeted her, I looked like it, but it really started to read, but it took a lot of time.The mother’s cultural level is not high. In fact, there are a lot of typos in the diary. On the number of types of typesetting pages, she still records from left to right. I spent some time to respond.I don’t understand.

In the diary, she was called "Little Girl Xiaofang".Xiaofang will write a speech on the title page: "You are a good partner of my life, and the pink memories are treasured in your heart -my diary."I think it is very novel, and I will write a diary, but it seems that I will not name myself and my diary.

Xiaofang’s diary.Photo by Li Yuning

Xiaofang in the diary is very lively.After writing one day, Xiaofang will draw a small graffiti at hand; she seems to like watching a TV series in Hong Kong and bought a lot of stills like stamps.Mom said she had done this too.Xiaofang seems to be a fraternity, handsome men and women, and some of the white lady Zhao Yazhi, who I also know the high hair bun, also have some handsome guys who I do n’t know.

On March 8th, Xiaofang would proudly write "This is our holiday". On her birthday, she would also happily write "Ben Girl’s birthday today". I have never heard my mother calling herself like this.She will also write "Happy Biretday" several times in English as if she doesn’t know where she doesn’t know where she doesn’t know where she doesn’t know where she doesn’t know.In her diary, she would write "growing up so annoying", and she would quietly write down her apology to friends, saying that she was embarrassed. I touched your ears during the day and made you hurt.When she wrote these daily routines, she used a lot of tone, question marks, and exclamation marks.In the diary, there were even a messy clip that she wrote after being drunk- "Today, my elder sister invited, I drank too much, I was very messy, it seemed very happy, and there was pain."She looks like.

It is difficult for me to connect Xiaofang in the past to my current mother.Has she really existed?

From birth, the mother I saw was a good mother and good daughter -in -law who was in a state.There are a few pictures that I have a deep impression. One was when I was a kid. She rode a bicycle to send me to school. There was a big slope on the road. Every time she passed, she had to kick it very hard.The waist and legs go forward.At that time, I felt that I had to help, and I asked her very much, is I very sensible?Now that I think of my feet, I did not land on the ground, but I twisted around in the back seat, let alone help, and even add chaos to her.But my mother never broke it. Every time I asked, she would only praise me happily.

When I was a kid, I was poor and I couldn’t wait for three weeks a month to soak in the clinic.After treatment, she usually takes me to take a bus home. The line is a double -layer bus. I shouted at the first row of the second floor every time.But there were often people sitting in that position. She didn’t want to disturb others. Before coming to the car, she went to see if the row was empty. If someone was, she would wait with me until an empty car.

This is the situation where she went out in my impression.At more moments, as a housewife, she was just busy at home, mopping, laundering, cooking, and a father who played the game on the sofa to clean up the fruit shell of a coffee table in front of him.She never complained, and she almost did not quarrel with her dad, as if those who were originally in her.

Because of this, I always thought that my mother was a traditional family woman who longed for and enjoyed marriage life.She kept telling me that her dream from a young age was to get married and have children and be a housewife.But in the diary, Xiaofang wrote his eyebrows that her dream was to be a soldier.

After more than two decades, I took the problem and gave her the book to her.Seeing the diary again, my mother was puzzled.She said, weird, I was not impressed, and I couldn’t remember anymore.

Xiaofang’s diary.Photo by Li Yuning


On August 17, 1994, sunny.What kind of future will be waiting for me ahead?

——Adfang, diary 29 years ago

If you think about it now, I really want to be a soldier.I just graduated from junior high school at the time and had a high energy and went to Tangshan to go to my aunt.Uncle was a soldier who came out of the village. Their family lived in the family courtyard, and next door was the army courtyard.At that time, I was also young, sixteen or seventeen years old, and when I went out every day, I could hear the neat training sound from the next door. I can also see those who come and go, all wearing a straight green uniform.It is also embroidered with a red shoulder chapter, and I am so envious that I can see it.

I ran to the recruitment office and wanted to sign up, but I was splashed with cold water.They said that when girls were soldiers, they had to be a urban household registration.

——The I didn’t.In the summer of 1975, I was born in a village east of Xingtai City.Half a year later, because my mother was pregnant again, I was forced to break the milk and sent it to the grandma’s house next door.Later, my two younger brothers were born one after another. My parents and brothers and my brothers lived in peace across the wall.Now you may say that this is "heavy male and female". I think about it, but in fact, whether it is so many years ago or now, I feel quite normal, and I have never thought of blaming them.

Xiaofang and her two younger brothers took a group photo at home.

One thing that was particularly impressed when I was a child was that my mother only gave me two new clothes. One was in the sixth grade of elementary school. She made a dress for me. The collar had lace and a small deer embroidered on the skirt.The other one was that in the third grade, she gave me a down jacket.After receiving the new clothes, grandma will only let me wear it once, and then I will receive a large box.She told me that new clothes should stay on important occasions. For example, when I was walking on my relatives during the New Year, but I was growing up at that time, and more than half a year passed. When I took it out when I really walked out, the clothes were not closed for a long time.

Grandpa and grandma did not let me continue to read after I finished junior high school.In our generation, no one in the village girls continued to go to school. I followed the current and began to work with my house.During this period, my grandmother asked me to go to other women in the village to learn to make clothes and "prepare for marriage."Those aunts taught me a traditional cotton jacket, and also taught how to weave a sweater needle in the city.One day, I woven sweaters on the chair by the window. Grandma had never seen this style, saying that the things I woven were not cried at the wool wool, and thought of my aunt who lived in Tangshan.For me, my aunt is a dear than my mother.

On the way to Tangshan, I should be looking forward to it."I’m not a little girl in the countryside. I also have my own ideals and ambitions. I also have self -esteem and self -love." This was what I wrote at the time, and I really thought so.When I got to my aunt’s house, I saw that the aunt after get off work had to clean up and cook at home. My uncle did nothing. When I went home, I sat on the sofa and waited for the meal. I still felt uncomfortable.

But with the shattering of the military dream, I moved out of the army’s courtyard and found several jobs one after another.I am a little girl who came out of the countryside. I have no technology and diploma. I have sold hardware accessories. I also go to the glass factory to burn the recovered glass waste.

The summer of working in the glass factory was very hot. Standing on the kiln of the glass factory, people were really baked by the fire.I didn’t notice it once. A small glass dumplings burst out during the firing process, and it just collapsed on my neck.At that time, there was no work injury. I went back to the dormitory to bandage at night, and went to work normally the next day.

Living was sweating, but my heart was cold.At that time, there were two types of formal work and temporary workers in the factory. The factory always sent things, rock sugar, grain and oil, and a box of boxes was placed next to the aisle of the workshop, but only the formal work was eligible.Those formal workers are watching very decent people in the city, and work does not work hard. In contrast, I think my hands and feet are more neat, and the number of work is not the first, but it is also in front.However, good things can’t be on my head.

I also complained to my aunt, but she instead advised me to want to open something, maybe because I was young, experienced, or I couldn’t say a few good words. In short, these "different treatments" were all caused by things.

Now I want to come. I have come here for so many years when I was a kid. Some things that I feel unfair now are that everyone says it is normal, and I should accept it.I have no place to say grievances, I can only tell the diary.In the past few years, I remember a lot of words "tolerate the sea and the sky".

Later, I resigned from the work of the glass factory and moved to the hotel as a waiter.I also talked about my boyfriend in Tangshan, but contrary to the customs of our men to prepare a lot of gifts, Tangshan’s custom is that the woman must accompany the rich dowry.I have no deposit myself, and I have never brought my boyfriend home at the time. After knowing the dowry, I never thought about asking with my home.

I can’t get it, I know there is no room for discussion.The two younger brothers in the family have to marry a daughter -in -law. Naturally, my parents will not give it. There are also two children in my aunt’s house. I am embarrassed to speak.Grandpa and grandma didn’t care about me after I went out. They kept good to me, but I still hesitated at the time.Later, when I really got married, my grandma gave me two hundred red envelopes.Two years later, the younger brother married a new daughter -in -law. The grandma was so happy that he had a total of 6,000 with his grandfather.

In the few years I worked outside, I went home twice a year, once busy, and the New Year.When the farmers were busy, I was working in the ground; the New Year is a time of leisurely. I want to find a younger sister to play and find out that I have married a few more time.People who got married at the age of 20 did not pay attention to the certificate. As soon as the banquet was put, the marriage was like this.

Of course, not each of them encountered a good person.Most parents in the village say that they are dear. Some girls are unwilling to marry. They will be locked in the house by their parents. They are hungry that they are dizzy and they are not released.I was so sad to see my friends, but I know that we are all the same.

However, after they got married, the temple fair did not go with me, and they couldn’t call it, just like disappearing.

Slowly, my peers in the same village have been married.Parents looked anxious and gave me a blind date every year. Later, relatives and neighbors of the entire family joined the team that gave me a blind date.In rural areas, the marriage of a girl is also related to her reputation: when she is not married twenty -four -five, she will be passed on in the village. She may have done unfavorable work outside.At that time, I was 23 years old.

In 1997, Tangshan, Xiaofang and friends celebrated their birthday.

In 1997, Tangshan, Xiaofang and friends celebrated their birthday.


Looking at my mother’s diary, I felt that the process of witnessing a woman was gradually domesticated by society.

—— Doudou, April 17, 2023, a network forum.

In the diary twenty years ago, Xiaofang mentioned a lot of friends and colleagues. There were names and surnames, including Wei Zhen, Li Gai, A Tao, Xiaoming, Ouyang.I followed the old photos of her before getting married. It turned out that she had a birthday every year, and there were many girls with similar ages.

These aunts who used to be her closest partner, but I have never seen it, and I have never even heard of it.

In my memory, my mother has no friends.After I grew up, I once mentioned that I was compared to her. I didn’t like going out with a group of people. She told me that she actually liked to play with friends.But she didn’t live like this.Every day at home, she has a lot of things to be busy. I don’t seem to have seen her sit down and rest.

Xiufeng in the county next door is my father.They met for the first time on February 1, 1998 through a blind date, and they were determined on February 5th, and only four days were separated in the middle.Since childhood, I have listened to the process of this period more than once. She said that when I introduced it that day, as soon as my dad entered the door, she saw this person across the glass window.But in the diary, my mother wrote, "He is a good boy, and I don’t feel very annoying. But when I was with him, I didn’t seem to feel that way."

Dad is younger than her.After the first meeting, she said that he was naive and had to coax him by herself. Even in the loving diary behind, her mother would write and didn’t want to marry him. If he felt married, he would be unreliable.However, after ten days of diary, her mother suddenly became a little girl in love. She would call him "A Feng" and wrote that he dreamed of "A Feng" letter.She will still write that her dream is that she has a hut, and she will worry that the man is two people before and after marriage, but more often, she is just a love person.

I also want to understand the huge changes behind these ten days. Ask her mother, she just answered, because her previous love experience was relatively twists and turns, and this time I met the right person.

In fact, looking at her diary, whether in Tangshan or in love with Xiufeng, she longed for love.Those discussions on marriage are not based on her conscious thinking, but more like a resistance to the blind date itself.She always feels that getting married is a process that a person must experience in his life. It will feel that returning to the family is a happy thing. It is also advocating that women must get married and have children to be complete.In it, I did not even argue with my dad because of this.

I was really surprised when she saw that she couldn’t get used to my uncle.She just answered, because her aunt and uncle both made money, so she couldn’t see it, but she didn’t work, so she should do all of them.Cooking is righteous.

Many thoughts of prejudice and even backwardness in my opinion, she feels normal and does not complain, and even use these dogma to gradually separate herself and the outside world.I couldn’t understand it before, but when she really listened to her experience when she was a child, I was unable to realize that because she was not treated well when she was a child, she did not really get love, so she wanted it so much.

In my opinion, her mother is really a very obvious woman in altruism. She will continue to dedicate to the family and be willing to help until she helps herself.Before this time, I didn’t know that Grandpa didn’t care about her, and she couldn’t see it from her actions.Grandpa was sick a while ago. My mother rushed to take care of it before, and she just had money, but she praised him and said that her son was thoughtful.

I was unhappy for her, she just coaxed me, saying "It’s okay, it’s okay", as if it was really okay for so many years.

Ms. Ms. Burde "Miss Bour"


"March 21, 1999, this is my most sad and happiest day. I became a woman from a girl."

——In Xiaofang, diary more than 20 years ago

My daughter always said that I was in love, but he was both in the same village, and people were generally good. I also looked at so much. All partners around me were married, leaving only me.In fact, when I was another girl around me at the time, I could have more confidence.

On February 1, 1998, the two of us met for the first time. Six days later, the relatives were determined. The two unanimously decided to get married in the summer of the next year.After the Spring Festival in 1998, both of us returned to their jobs and gathered less and more, until the spring of the next year had occurred.

At that time, he worked at Shijiazhuang, and I changed to work there.At the beginning, I lived in the village in the city with his sister. One night, I went home from work. When I was at the door of the house, I found that someone followed me. I was scared, so I fell the bicycle on the person.He ran back to the name of the little girl.

The next day, the little girl told him that, without my consent, he hugged my luggage directly and let me move together.After get off work that day, I stayed on the street outside for a long time, and I was determined to live with him like this.

I have been thinking that an unmarried little girl lived in her boyfriend’s house like this, worried about outsiders’ gossip, and more worried that their family would use this as an excuse to light me.I actually had a premonition at the time, but the tracking madness was really scary.In contrast, Xiufeng lives closer to the city and is closer to the place where I work.It was these practical considerations that made me finally determined and returned home with him.

Later, when I got married, my hunch really came true.When the marriage is approaching, I want a ring, but his mother disagrees, saying that we have lived together long ago, and there is no need to buy these.I was a little sad, but I didn’t say anything, so I bought one on the street.

In July 16th in the lunar calendar in 1999, after I bought a ring for more than a month on my own, we had a wedding in my hometown village.Xiufeng took the ring and put on my ring finger, but unfortunately I was not wearing a wedding dress.When I was a restaurant waiter at Tangshan before, I saw that the girl was married at a feast at the family, and I could wear good wedding dresses. I also wanted to wear it, but my mother did not let it.of.I had to stop, wearing a red gown to marry.

Xiaofang wore a red top of the festive marriage and marry

A few days later, another girl in the village married a white wedding dress.I am so envious.

I always think so, if there is another person, but there is no.

It didn’t take long for me to get pregnant.Or because of that wedding dream, I would like to take a wedding photo while not showing.I specially picked up a small shop in the alley. There was no kind of gas facade, but from the small window, those skirts were still beautiful.But even if I measured this way, a set of wedding photos still cost 1,300 yuan. I paid the money. On the day of taking pictures, Xiufeng appeared.

In the early stages of pregnancy, he and I were still in Shijiazhuang, but as the stomach became bigger and bigger, the hotel owner suspected that I was slow and afraid that I would be surprised. I let me go home. After that, I was busy taking care of my children., The eldest daughter was hard to bring big, I was pregnant with my second daughter again, and I never went to work.

Actually, her father was good to me.He is transported and travels at seven o’clock every day, especially in winter.For so many years, he hasn’t asked me to make breakfast for him, and always solve it outside.Before getting married, no one seemed to have thought about me like this, so even if we were not wealthy, I still felt very happy.

Xiaofang’s wedding photos taken by Pulling Pocket


No one told those girls from rural areas not to marry, and they think marrying is taken for granted.I felt very lucky at the time, my mother, because I was a rural girl in a small place in a universal sense. I am very fortunate that my mother respects me and is willing to let me read more books, and my vision is wider.

—— Doudou, a letter written to my mother in the mobile phone memorandum on August 1, 2022

When I first saw my mother’s diary, I noticed more. In fact, it was the side of her "little girl". There were a lot of troubles that would complain.Taking it up and sending it to friends, everyone said that when my mother still had such a girl, he hoped for a while, and this topic was over.

By April this year, I brushed a post called "What do my diary of my father and mother" on the forum.Tucao’s part of the friend’s marriage was sent up.At the beginning, I didn’t think too much about it. Until I saw everyone replied that my mother was scary before and after marriage, and I was a little shuddering.

She used to be an independent woman who longed for a distant place, but she was willing to have been willing to have been at home for many years after marriage, especially her attitude before and after falling in love with her dad.Thoughts were slowly domesticated by the identity of her society.

For example, when they were in love, my mother did not accept Dad at the beginning and did not meet with her on Valentine’s Day, nor did she send her roses.She wrote to ask, Dad just criticized her, saying "Although I like you very much, but I never thought about being my" lover ". I didn’t go today, but you will be disappointed when you go.I will not give you roses and chocolate. I just want you to be a lover who is accompanied by me and is willing to work together, not a simple and frivolous lover. "Later, he also said that although his mother wrote well, the letter wrote "True", "so pale and weak, no blood and meat, but also to be chic."

I am angry.It turned out that he didn’t know Valentine’s Day, he was angry with her, "PUA".Even the excuses were so bad. If I was her, I couldn’t stand this, but she just felt that what this man said it should be reasonable.

After they got married, Dad didn’t have to do anything home.In the years when my mother took me to see a doctor and sent me to school, she was completely a puppet parenting. Dad was always absent. He didn’t even know me in the past few grades.

I also hate that he joked with me.When I was a kid, my skin was dark, and he called me black beans. When I played mahjong, I saw eight black spots on the eight tube cards.I knew that I hated this, and he called it again. Until I cried, he beaten me in turn, and said that I was not funny.

But my mother doesn’t think there is any problem with this, just like returning to her family and raising her children, she should be fully undertaken.But I can’t do it.

Because of my father’s work, I lived in the city for a while when I was a kid. On the way to school, I saw women working in the city.I also remember that in Conan cartoons I watched at that time, Xiao Lan, as a heroine who was proficient in Taekwondo, flew over to save the actor.The experience of this city’s life, the film and television works I saw, and the later network helped me tore the corner of the village life, thus peeping into a more progressive world.My initial gender view and values were shaped in the process.

I am even a little fortunate when my father was absent from me. Fortunately, I can use the Internet window to realize that women can start thinking and start seeing more possibilities.

About 2017, I saw a Japanese tidy clip on the video website. The content was what would happen to my daughter when my daughter suddenly broke into the bathroom when her father took a bath.I feel disgusting, just commented on this set of logic.It didn’t take long for a lot of harsh sounds in private messages and replys. Those users said a lot of unpleasant words, and some people also said that there was a word "氵" in my username, so I said that "the prostitution sees the prostitution sees prostitution."".

At that time, I was 16 years old, and I was in a uncomfortable mood all afternoon. So many news came in, but no one helped me speak.As the carnival passed, my comment was only overwhelmed in many replys.Until a few years later, a user who was a female who was a female came to me privately, saying that I did it right and let me ignore those people.

I am very touched.Look, that logic is problematic, time will prove that we are right.

Today, in Weibo and forums, I can see countless women who are discussing social hot events on gender issues enthusiastically. In private, I will also know the good friends I know on the forum. You come and go.Write the post -reading feeling of "Available Girl", analyze carefully, and encourage each other.

In this sense, I was not alone, and my mother was too lonely at the time. No one even told her that you could not choose that.I think that when she wrote the words "walking into the grave", she may not think about a lot of thoughts, but she was instinctively profitable to avoid harm; she knew that there was risk, but there was no other solution.

I asked my mother, if you are not married, what do you think your life is now?Mom said, she couldn’t think of it.She couldn’t even assume that she couldn’t come out, as if on the timeline that belonged to her, there was only this way to get married.

Recently, because of my mother’s diary, my mother and I talked a lot.You asked me if there was a moment of changes in my mother’s opinion. In fact, I didn’t. I seemed to be shameless, but I didn’t seem to worship her since I was a child, and I never thought of being a person like her.I have thought, never become her.

If the world really has the ability to cross time and space, I really want to be the only girlfriend who is not married.I must try my best to let her stay in Tangshan. It doesn’t matter if I was born without birth, but I really can’t go back to that village.

Doudou’s handbook and Xiaofang’s diary.


"Actually relying on myself, I can also support this family. Only someone threw me an olive branch to me. I support it. I think that it is so good that it is so good that it is so good."


In 2010, Dou Dou’s father said that he would go to Yunnan to do business, and the children and I followed.I have always relying on him, where is the man and where is home.Although we were poor after getting married, her dad paid living expenses to me every month, and I still feel so happy.

But this felt interrupted in 2013.That summer, her father suddenly fainted in the car and took it to the hospital. The doctor was busy for a long time and said that it was a brain tumor. It was also suggested that we go to the big city to check the brain nerves.

I asked everywhere and knew that the brain department of Beijing Tiantan Hospital was the best, so I entrusted the children to his father and younger girl, and took my husband to see a doctor.I have never been to Beijing. I went to the hospital and asked, and finally touched the place.If you ca n’t grab the number, the ox opening is three hundred, and I ca n’t bear to spend money. I got up at the middle of the night to stay at the door of the hospital, waiting for the earliest batch to release the number, and I saw the doctor after half a month.In this way, we went to Beijing three times in that year, but after the operation, her father was still not very good and began to forget things frequently. Sometimes he just got off the table. You asked him if he had eaten.It’s right.There was no way to transport the business, and I had to take them back to the village again.

There are not so many lives in the village.At the beginning, I also tried planting land, but for a year of diligence, the final harvest was not enough to eat at home.If you abandon the planting land, you can only make a little small trading in the village. I am still playing well, and I start to ponder the stall and sell it to the people who are too late to cook in the village.

The boiled cakes must be noodles first. I have to leave the stall at noon and evening. I start preparing at 9 o’clock in the morning. After the last piece of cake is sold, it is already dark.Because her father couldn’t help it at home, I took him out and stood beside me to collect money.I only sell one yuan for each sesame cake, and no one in the village will not buy it. In this way, I can make four cents of cakes. When the situation is good, I can sell more than two hundred per day.

Of course I am tired.Since her father is sick, I am tired every day and have been guilty to my parents. Obviously they are all old. My daughter still has to use them to help from time to time.During that time, Grandma’s body was not good. I know she had been in bed for several months, but she couldn’t take time to see her.One day, I was selling sesame cakes, and I heard that they had something to do with my grandmother, and let me run back quickly, but it was one step late.Until now, I regret it, why don’t you know how many times.

In the four years when I hit the sesame cake, noodles and noodles, and my ten fingers had tendinitis.At the beginning, it would only hurt in winter. When it was in the back, even if it was Sanfu, his fingers were still cold, and the joints were always painful.In fact, my mother’s house and in -laws are in the village, but the saying goes well. If you save urgency and save the poor, let the relatives come to help. They must be willing to help, but it can be for a day or two., I can only carry it myself.

Around 2019, I’m really tired.One day, when my heart was horizontal, I took her father to the Civil Affairs Bureau.Going to the door, I stopped telling him, do you know that you have been sick for a few years?He said he didn’t remember.

I will continue to say to him, you see, the surgery you did in 2013, the money at home had been taken to see a doctor before, and I did not have the ability to make money. In recent yearsCan’t support it.

Before the divorce, I really hesitated for a long time.I thought, even if her dad showed a trace of being unable to divorce, not let me go, and even arguing with me on the spot, I could be more firm.

He stood beside me and listened, only one said, I know, for so many years, I have worked hard for you.I remembered that he should have said similar words before. Every time he listened, I felt as if I could stick to it again.

I feel guilty.Those who divorce in the TV are happy.Why did I cry?

Later, someone told me that he would take me away, to me, so that I would never have to be so tired, and would take care of my daughters, let them continue to school, and agreed to let me go back to see them every other time.

In fact, relying on myself, I can also support this family. Only someone threw me an olive branch to me. I supported it. I remembered that it was so good that it was so good, and I could not be so tired.

When Doudou rises to high school, I think she can go to school, and I won’t take my sister away for a long time. I took my sister away and went out of the market. Later, I went to Shanxi.Live, I sell box lunch in it.Later, my aunt called me and asked me why I could be so cruel and left the child at home.As soon as I heard it, tears came down.I said, no, he said before leaving to help me raise a daughter, but he did not do it at all.

At the birthday of Doudou, my tickets for home had been bought, but that morning, he took my mobile phone. I resisted and said that no matter how I would go back, he caught me and locked me at home.The last thing to let me see is that he wants to marry a teenage sister to a thirty -year -old man. I disagree with the children, and he wants to do it.

I found an excuse for my daughter to go back first, and then escaped by the vacancy of a lunch break.Later, I took my two daughters out of the village completely, came to this county now, and rented a house to start a new life.

Xiaofang and daughter


"I hope that one day you can proudly tell those who say I am abnormal: my daughter does not rely on a man to live and be comfortable!"

—— Doudou, letter written to mother

Before Dad was sick, the mother was actually not thin. You see the old photos in the early years, she was even a little baby fat.When I was a child, she always wanted to lose weight, eat some white water to boil vegetables. I do n’t know where to see the recipes. She had to give birth to bitter gourd. Her face was bitter during that time, and the meat did not reduce the meat.

But after my dad was sick, his mother lost weight at an alarming rate.I was so impressed that she stood behind a large pot, where she worked hard to stick the cake.

When she was in the village, she was really hard.Once it was raining, she still insisted on going out of the stall. I stopped her and said that no one would buy it outside. Don’t go, but she finally sold it in the rain for a long time until the last cake was alsosell away.

Her good reputation also got up after her father was sick.In the end, almost everyone praised her to support our home.

Until one day, she told me that she divorced her dad.It turned out that a man next door had been pursuing her.For a long time, she didn’t agree, until her father’s relatives ran to persuade her, saying it would be better to let go.I couldn’t bear my mother. After she really left, I almost cried for a week, but I knew she could be relieved.I think, if anyone can take care of her and let her walk into the next life, it is also good.

After she left, I couldn’t say a few minutes every time I contacted, and I rarely came back to see us.When we were young, our birthdays were run by my mother. She also posted colorful strips and balloons on the wall, bought cakes, and invited children to celebrate their birthday.Dad has never appeared.After she left, I still hoped that she could come back that day, and she agreed to me, but that morning, she told me that she would help the man with steaming the steamed buns.

I thought in my heart, even if you look forward, don’t want me, just use such a bad reason to fool me?

During that time, I was at home.In junior high school, my grades were very good. I was sent to the county -level competition by the school. In the second round, the system suddenly changed the written test to the interview, and I was caught up to the stage.I was a little nervous. Looking down, I saw that a video of a video video was brushed to me.The last sentence was not said, and it was directly eliminated.Since then, I have become disagreement from school, and my body has really reacted.

Now I think about it because I was criticized by my father too much when I was a kid. I always wanted everything to satisfy everyone. After that game, my stomach pain and physicalization was already very serious.If she didn’t come out, she took me to see the psychiatric department.In this way, I was diagnosed with depression and took a break.

This period of school is a period when a mother’s attitude towards me.At that time, Dad had begun to get sick, and he would never suppress me in words, and my mother was a lot gentle to me, and gave me more support and love than before. I just said a few words to people when I went out.It can be praised by her.This is a point that I think my mother is valuable. She can indeed make changes to the negligence of inadvertent in the past.In contrast, I saw that other sick students were scolded by parents, and even had to work to make money by myself, and I felt that it was lucky to have a mother like her.

Under the care of my mother, I returned to the school again, just because the procedures for the suspension of school were not completed before, and when I entered school again, we were told that my student status had been canceled and I could only enter my career high school.I thought she had recovered, but her departure hit me again.After she left, I cried for a week, then moved out of the dormitory, and stayed at home for a long time.

Until the news from her aunt, I raised an inexplicable sense of responsibility again, and suddenly the courage to "save her" suddenly, I think I am the only one in the world that can pull out the pull out.People named "That Man".

I told her first that I was sad at home and needed my sister to come back to accompany me.In this way, my sister returned home first, and I continued to write a small composition to her, telling her that I was so scared that she and the man had a severity of the relationship and returned to me.I said, I’m not afraid of that man to find trouble, we face it together after you come back.I don’t know if these were moving her. After a while, my mother returned.

Seeing my mother came back, I was so happy that I found that she was not a person who was broken, and was stumbled by many responsibilities, and she was ashamed because she didn’t pay 100 %.

Those responsibilities written on her, there are those who have to my father, to my sister, to her parents, and even to that man.Later, he continued to send a lot of news to his mother. I asked her to blame, but the text message would still stay in the trash box. I saw that she was in a daze on the page of the text message several times.She said that she felt that she had eaten her words and could not "influence" him.For dads, although they divorced, their mother would go to the grandfather’s house from time to time to take care of him. They woke up at four in the morning, cooking, and washing clothes and brushing shoes.

Perhaps because her mother came over since she was a child, she had always expected others to save her, but in fact, those people couldn’t support her expectations at all, but she had been giving.And what did she get?

After this incident, I felt that we must work hard to make money and live with them by themselves without relying on others.

At first, I also thought about love and marriage, but after this incident, I was completely disappointed.My mother and I are not the same. I just want to take care of the people who are good to me, and my mother still uses that set of ideas to plan me and my sister. If you don’t worry about us, you want to find someone to "take care of us".Some relatives wanted to give me a blind date, and she didn’t push it off. She also said that she hoped that her sister could have a daughter so that she could continue to help take care of her sister.

After chatting with her this time, I actually understood the logic behind her rhetoric, but still couldn’t convince herself.

But at least, now we have moved away from the village, and my mother walked out of the family and the environment. I obviously felt that she was a lot happy.Compared with the situation where they could only work at that time, now, I can cut videos and write articles, which is enough to support our family of three in the county seat. Mom relaxed the naked eye.Compared with the village, the life in the county seat is more abundant. I took a driver’s license some time ago, and I took my mother out to go around from time to time.When she used to fight the cake, she would only sit home when she returned home, and I knew she was tired.Now, she will brush the vibrato and start planting flowers.She prefers that colorful color and has a bunch of fleshy, saying that it is easy to feed.

She also gradually linked with her friends, and went to the temple fair every three differences.Recently, she also took a green suspender skirt with a pair of black kitten heel sandals. I seemed to see Xiaofang in that diary and returned to my mother.

To my mother, I hope she can live out of herself.

Picture source movie "Spring"


Yesterday, the naive and romantic Xiaofang had gone far and far away. I wanted to recover her for a while, but in this life, I have no hope, no hope.

——Adfang, diary on July 29, 1994

In fact, I know that Doudou and you insist on the idea of progress. If I can insist on my dream at the time, I should also live a happier.

But in my life, I have already settled in countless moments before.Unlike you, our generation really grows up.At that time, there were four or five children, the first child was a girl, and it could continue.There was a popular joke that year, that is, parents have to count one before going to bed every night to ensure that the child is not small one day.

Like everyone else, we are all raised in the village. When we are hungry, we eat ourselves. When we are thirsty, we can drink it ourselves. We can cook in front of the stove.Because I had never been loved when I was a kid, I always had a dream of being a little princess.

But you are different, and they are all favored and caring in love. They are originally princess.You said, can such children take care of themselves?Looking at her, I was scared. In the future, I will be old. I will leave first. I ca n’t accompany her. She is alone, and I am still lonely.

Doudou sometimes asks me, if the boy who wants to marry her will only enjoy care, what should I do if I won’t work?I thought about it, and this was the same. I was not happy to wait for others to serve others.I am a house woman and I am very happy, but I don’t want her to be like me.I think she can go out.

These things, I used to think about it before.In the village, until now, the girl who did not get married accidentally died or could not enter their ancestral grave. Their family still wanted to find them to bury a mother -in -law family so that they would not wander.With the planning of family planning in recent years, such girls have become tighter and tighter, and often someone will come to the door to "talk" soon.You say that I use "tightness" inappropriateness, it seems too, but this is the daily life of the village, and it is also what we meet from a child from childhood.

But it is not completely unchanged.The funeral customs in the village also have the item of mingling. In the early years, women must not be allowed to fight, and no one realized that they could do it.But recently, there are also girls leading. I think this is a good thing.

But in terms of these, my mother is urging on my mouth. If you really persist, how can I force you like our generation.

Moreover, I don’t regret petting you to grow up. Once again, I will definitely give you a lot of beautiful clothes and continue to be a little princess of my mother.

Picture source movie "Instantless Universe"

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